Finding fulfillment through MOTHERHOOD

I was asked to speak for "Time Out for Women" here in LA next month. My topic is: "How do full-time mothers find fulfillment spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially?"

It's a loaded question, huh? I asked this question of my Face book Friends, my family members and Jamie Alston, who then sent it out to all the gals in her Queen Creek Babysitting Club. I have received numerous responses to this question, and the answers have truly WOWED me! Truthfully, I was expecting at least 75% of the comments to be "ME" focused--finding fulfillment by ridding one's self of one's children and focusing primarily on one's own goals, career, dreams, hobbies, etc..."filling my own cup" theory. However, I was surprised how many mothers found fulfillment by simply becoming better mothers--sacrificing MORE of their personal time and choosing to LOVE IT!! I was pleasantly surprised!! Also, many women had found ways to "kill two birds with one stone" (sometimes three!) by doing things that fulfilled them in more than one area (mental, physical, emotional, etc.).

I've thought a lot on this issue, and I've had EXTREME struggles finding fulfillment of my own--so, as I'm sure you all did--I laughed out loud when I heard the topic I was being assigned to speak on!! Of course it would be about the very thing I've struggled with the most and learned the most about this year ;-)!!

It's interesting how self-discipline plays such a HUGE role in self-fulfillment.

We are taught that happiness comes from making correct choices. If I am disciplined enough--or if I CHOOSE to...eat well, read my scriptures daily, pray and ponder privately daily, exercise daily, put aside time for: journaling, emailing, cooking and cleaning (laundry included) DAILY, and find a moment to squeeze in a personal hobby or college course and still leave plenty of time to taxi children around (or in my case, walk the children to and from school--approximatel­y an hour and a half each day) and ensure they all have one-on-one time with me DAILY...I WILL FIND FULFILLMENT!!! WHEW!! Didn't that list seem exhausting??? Of course, I didn't add: teaching children instruments (piano, voice, trombone, etc.), teaching dance/sports courses for your children, taking children to and paying for dentist, doctor, and orthodontic appointments, and leaving at least 2-4 hours in the afternoon for homework help DAILY!! And you can't forget the extracurricular activities: gymnastics, city sports (swimming, diving, etc.), after school games or tournaments, trips to the library, or church calling preparation and completion. Also, this list DOESN'T include the extra work mothers often take on to supplement the family income--or the community service activities that are often added in order to help better the environment and governments in our local areas (which is strongly encouraged). Plus--you've got to throw in Family Home Evenings and Daily Family scriptures.

Sure--motherhood IS a matter of self discipline (scheduling, organizing, etc.)--without it, a mother couldn't possibly expect to get it all of this accomplished!! But, it's also about complete and total FLEXIBILITY!! If a mother isn't capable of dropping the calendar to rush a child to the emergency room, or cancel appointments due to a high fever or the flu, or go without sleep for one, two, three...maybe 10 nights...she may not only feel like a failure, but she may have a mental/emotional breakdown!!

I met up with a mother at my kids elementary school who was always stressed out--NOT because she had too much in her schedule, but because she had no schedule. She said that motherhood was always a chore because she had no discipline in organizing her time--she felt like she was always REACTING to what HAD to be done--instead of preparing for events ahead of time--continually scrambling like a chicken with her head cut-off because she chose not to plan better.

SO--we see the need to be organized AND flexible.

We also know that happiness comes from following God's commandments. I, in many respects, equate happiness with fulfillment. I think that I feel most happy/fulfilled when I am doing God's will--WELL! Mediocre obedience just doesn't cut it for me. It may for others, but I'm a die-hard perfectionist--which­, in itself, makes happiness/fulfillmen­t hard to achieve! This is where I believe Kendra hit the nail on the head with "unrealistic expectations". If perfection is our expectation, we are always going to fail--fulfillment will NEVER be realized (at least not in this lifetime). In this area, we find that temple attendance, continual prayer, scripture study & pondering, frequent journaling (blogging), church attendance and being worthy of the Holy Spirit truly helps mothers find spiritual fulfillment.

SO--having realistic expectations and keeping God's commandments is KEY for emotional and spiritual fulfillment!!

One of the most essential things we may have overlooked is the fact that our relationships with our husbands is most important--right after our relationship with God! If that relationship isn't good, or if we're not feeling happy with each other or ourselves--we're not going to feel emotional fulfillment.

SO--establishing a good relationship with our spouses through: good communication, service, frequent affection (hugs, kisses, touch, and YES--sex), and weekly courting MUST be done in order to find fulfillment.

Although finances haven't been discussed either, I believe they play a HUGE role in our familial relationships (especially with our spouse). Learning financial discipline, and acquiring wealth (by this I mean simply having enough money to pay bills) can greatly enhance one's fulfillment needs. Unhappiness is DEFINITELY enhanced when bad financial decisions are made--or just when basic needs cannot be met because insufficient funds.

Diet and exercise are also important for one to find physical fulfillment.

Exercising regularly not only helps mothers to stay in shape, but it also feeds their self-confidence and keeps the husband attracted! YES--exercise tends to be the "extra" thing that gets cut out of the daily schedule, but depression and anxiety can be dispelled by a healthy rush of endorphins!! Also, eating well can increase your energy and keep you feeling well. Likewise, eating poorly can drag you WAY down, and make you feel like sitting in one place ALL day long!! I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about!!

The idea that "BEING A BETTER MOTHER" can fulfill many of our basic needs...is absolutely true!! If we are spending our time loving, teaching, nurturing, and fostering growth in our children...we inevitably feel growth in ourselves!

Fraud and QUAKES!!

WOW--lot's happenin' here in LA! The first thing that happened was that our debit card had been duplicated and used in 4 different grocery stores last week. AGH! Yah--you heard me right...DUPLICATED!! Pin and all. Just when you think swiping your debit card is safe---THINK AGAIN! Thank goodness I decided to check our bank account when I did! Turns out that fraudulent card duplicators had created a system where they could access all of our card information as we swiped it. We caught it in time, and we were able to get the money returned to our account. WHEW!

Then, on Sunday, right after conference...I was sitting in my chair by the computer, and my chair began to rock around. I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking that maybe I was dizzy and that I just needed to clear my head, but that didn't fix a thing! I called out to Hunter, who was in the kitchen, and I asked him if he was feeling the same thing. Sure enough--he was, too! He told me to grab Sterling and get outside to the other kids. As we all stood in silence, we watched as our neighbor's tree continued to shake. It felt like a snake was swirling beneath our feet. Once the tremor stopped, Hunter and I stared at each other in stunned fear. What would we do if the quake had been worse? What had we forgotten to do to prepare for such an event? What would happen if our family wasn't together? I could tell that Hunter was thinking all the same things.

When we felt it was again safe to go inside, we flipped on the news...and SURE enough...BREAKING NEWS 7.2 earthquake. Then, more breaking news...5.1 aftershock near Malibu/Santa Monica--just miles from our city. AGH!!!! Sacramento had been hit, too.

I had such a jolt of adrenaline running through me that I had to call my immediate family members. I'm not totally sure why, as I had nothing to report, really. But, I was scared! Unfortunately, I hadn't masked it well enough, and the children were, too. Both Cody and Amber were pretty shaken up, and we had only experienced a small rumble--in comparison to those in San Diego--and of course, those who were closer to Baha California, Mexico--where the earthquake had actually originated. The reports said that we had only felt a "1", whereas, those in Mexico felt the full 7.2! SCARY! These natural disasters are so OUT OF OUR CONTROL that you just don't know when they are going to hit or how bad they are going to be. Michelle (my sister-in-law) and my mother both asked, "So, would you prefer tornadoes or earthquakes?" With tornadoes, we had some warning with sirens and news flashes. There are no warnings with earthquakes. Basements can be a place of safety when tornadoes hit. NO PLACE is safe when an earthquake hits. I, therefore, would prefer tornadoes. Actually--I would prefer NO disasters!! BUT--that seems to be unrealistic anymore :-(.

Is there anywhere that's safe? We've been discussing where we want to finish up raising our kiddos. We've talked a lot about the pros and cons of living and raising children in LA. Good schools are like liquid gold here. I've considered homeschooling the kids once they get to junior high--as I hear the public schools have a lot to be desired here. Mariah and I have already discussed her options for schooling next year, as junior high begins in 6h grade here. Mariah is also the only LDS gal in her entire grade! So is Amber, and Cody has just one other little boy who is LDS in his grade. It really does make a difference for these youngsters when they are unable to cling to others who believe as they do. Fortunately, there are many wonderful families of other faiths here, but it's a struggle for the kids to find good friends. There are so many more things that come into play with the area in which you live when your children are so affected by it. I want what's best for my kids--even if that means homeschooling or moving. We'll have to see what happens.

Finding the JOY!!!

So, last week, when I finally opened up and spoke out about the things that were eating me up, I had an emotional breakthrough! I felt rejuvinated! Honesty is a good thing! I decided that I needed to connect with the many wonderful people in our area, and make a more concerted effort to make friends. Regardless of the fact that money is EXTREMELY tight for us right now, I began attending more events and planned a few get-togethers here in my home. Reuniting with people really helped me. I felt my burdens lifted.

Most importantly, I decided to take on Personal Progress again. Yes, I had already completed my goals as a teen, but since I am now working with the young women in our ward, I thought it would be a great way to help me and them with their current goals. And, HOLY COW!! My scripture time became so much more powerful, as I was focussing on certain subjects each time I read. I LOVE THE SCRIPTURES!!

I also continued journaling my feelings--more regularly, though. I realized how Satan was working me over! I could see from a more objective perspective how deeply depressed I had become and how quickly I had despaired. I felt frustrated with myself, yet--I felt excited to be happy again! Optimism--with a realistic perspective--is my re-found approach to life :-).

I've read a lot of conference talks on faith, and I've taken a lot of time to ponder over our gospel doctrine lessons (about Abraham and Joseph of Egypt--two dudes that were tried beyond belief!). If you, too, are being worked over by Satan, check these scriptures out: Hebrews 11, Alma 32:17-43, and Ether 12:6-22. These scrip's really helped me. They lifted my soul out of the duldrums.

It's amazing how terrible Satan can make you feel--even to the point where you don't want to go on another day. I think it was a good lesson for me to learn--tough as heck, but good to learn. Our situation hasn't relented yet, but I just feel more peace. I'm recommitted to living happily, faithfully, despite our trials.